Den Text habe ich auf SOWT gefunden, viel spaß:
(
forum.saxontheweb.net/showthread.php?t=92683 )
Ladies and gentlemen, I"d like to introduce the members of tonight"s band.
On piano____________. But first a few words about pianists in general,
they are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony
and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are
usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don"t. They were
social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play
with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with
singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will
condescend.
On bass we have _____________. Bassists are not terribly smart. The
best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple
lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist
will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are
built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over
awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be
able to tell whether or not he"s listening.
On drums____________. Drummers are radical. Specific personalities
vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person
in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are
uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from
the fact that they aren"t really musicians. Pianists are particularly
successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly
excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to
the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.
On saxophone______________. Saxophonists think they are the most
important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and
territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their
own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally
long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don"t
stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying
to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments,
forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a
break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
On trumpet_______________. Trumpet players are image-conscious and
walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers.
Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange
indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then
compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether
they"re black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get
to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and
as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and
highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might
confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless
god of loud-high trumpeting.
On guitar_________________. Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep
inside they want to be rock stars, but they"re old and overweight. In
protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot,
and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit
ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as
they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp.
Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into
his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist"s universe crumbles,
because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs
up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room.
The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist
during the break he"ll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old
sister.
Our feature vocalist is the lovely _____________. Vocalists are
whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in
sessions to test musicians" capacity for suffering. They are not of
the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman
is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a
misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as
"...jazzy."Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny
Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she
embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the
bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury
of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the
rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your
presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS
TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians
will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a
vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
On trombone___________________. The trombone is known for its
pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male
tenor range, "Why won"t anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like
to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus
immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early
years, then decided they didn"t want to walk around with a strange
indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow
get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually
tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don"t eat much. They have to
be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a
trombonist during a break and he"ll ask you for a gig, try to sell you
insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.